While the Vatican employs cutting-edge technology to block electronic surveillance, they’re still using a glorified woodstove to select the next leader of 1.3 billion Catholics worldwide.
At a Glance
- Vatican workers have installed a special stove in the Sistine Chapel where ballots will be burned during the papal conclave
- Extensive security measures include electronic jamming, darkened windows, and sealed-off areas to ensure complete secrecy
- The conclave begins May 7 with 133 cardinals voting to elect a successor to Pope Francis, who died April 21
- The iconic smoke signals – black for no decision, white for a new pope – will be produced by the specially designed stove
Smartphone Jammers for the Holy Spirit’s Election
In a world where every coffee maker has a Wi-Fi connection and your refrigerator can order milk, the Catholic Church is sticking with smoke signals as their preferred communication method for announcing new leadership. Vatican workers have been busy installing a special stove in the Sistine Chapel where ballots will be burned during the upcoming papal conclave. The process, which dates back centuries, will determine who replaces Pope Francis following his death on April 21 at the ripe old age of 88. Nothing says “cutting edge” quite like burning paper to send messages in 2025, but hey, tradition is tradition.
While clinging to medieval communication methods, the Vatican isn’t taking any chances with modern surveillance. They’re deploying sophisticated countermeasures to prevent electronic eavesdropping during the conclave. Electronic sensors throughout the Sistine Chapel are being deactivated, windows of the Apostolic Palace facing the chapel will be darkened, and areas will be sealed off with special barriers. Apparently, the Cardinals are more concerned about wiretapping than they are about transitioning to a secure digital voting system.
Secret Ballots and Smoke Signals
The conclave’s voting process resembles something from a Dan Brown novel, minus Tom Hanks and the CGI effects. Beginning May 7, the 133 cardinal electors will be completely sequestered from the outside world in what amounts to a sacred lockdown. They’ll stay at the Domus Santa Marta hotel with restricted access, process into the Sistine Chapel for deliberations, and vote until someone receives the necessary two-thirds majority – that’s 89 votes. And all this beneath Michelangelo’s masterpieces, which I’m sure are just thrilled about all the smoke.
“Of course we don’t feel ready, Because we have to discover the one that God has already chosen. We need a lot more time of prayer together. But I´m sure that at the right moment we will be ready and we will give to the church the pope that God himself wanted.” – Cardinal Jean-Paul Vesco.
The preparations are extensive and meticulous. Workers are installing a false floor to conceal wiring and create a level surface, setting up wooden tables and chairs for the cardinals, and ensuring accessibility for those in wheelchairs. The chimney attached to the chapel roof will send either black smoke (no decision yet) or white smoke (we’ve got a new pope!) to the faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square. It’s like a spiritual version of waiting for your grill to heat up, except instead of burgers, you get a new global religious leader.
Behind the Sacred Smoke Screen
Two cardinals, Antonio Cañizares Llovera and John Njue, will sit this one out due to health issues, bringing the total number of electors down to 133. Meanwhile, Vatican spokesman Matteo Bruni was quick to deny reports that Cardinal Pietro Parolin, a leading papal candidate, had health problems of his own. Nothing like a little pre-conclave intrigue to get the conspiracy theories flowing. The cardinals are already meeting privately to discuss the Church’s needs and the qualities required in the next pope, likely debating whether candidates need to be proficient in TikTok or if Facebook knowledge is sufficient.
“We recognize the achievement (of Pope Francis) but no pope is perfect, no one is able to do everything, so we’ll find the best person to succeed St. Peter.” – Singapore Cardinal William Goh.
The conclave will open with a Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica followed by the “Extra Omnes” declaration (“Everyone out!”), at which point everyone except the voting cardinals must leave the Sistine Chapel. Voting will occur twice each morning and twice each afternoon until a new pope is elected. It’s remarkable that in an era where you can order dinner, hail a ride, and file your taxes from your phone, the Catholic Church is still relying on handwritten paper ballots and actual smoke signals. Then again, perhaps there’s something refreshing about a centuries-old institution that refuses to fix what isn’t broken – even if it means occasionally filling the Sistine Chapel with smoke.
